I'll be your friend

Possibly the strangest experience I've ever had is that of rejecting someone, especially when it's someone who wants to be with me.

In the biblical sense. You know what I mean.

Luckily, it does not happen at all often. Some old baboushka once said that, in every relationship, there is the chaser and there is the person being chased. For the most part, I have always been a chaser. As a chaser, I should not have to turn people down...it goes against the very nature of the thing. And yet, I have discovered that there are people in this world who chase even harder than I.

It's an uncomfortable feeling, especially when there are mutual feelings of attraction, which leaves me feeling more than a little confused. I mean, why not accept someone who wants me, especially if part of me wants them as well, even the slightest bit? Unfortunately, the only answer I have to offer is lame and explains nothing: I don't want to.

I've thought about the Marxist approach to this...the Groucho Marxist approach, stating "I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member." A very good point, and I'm sure it plays a part, but then there's also the case of "friend versus partner"...that is, I know I can be friends with someone, but I do not know if I could have or keep them as a partner. Friends are wonderful, especially the kind of friends you can call in the ungodly hours of morning, friends who accept you as the eccentric freak that you are...but then, how many friends have I kissed during the night for reassurance, or held in silence just because I was afraid of coming apart?

Not many. Read: none.

My dad was fond of saying "girls will come and go, but friends are forever." I like to believe I've been fairly true to that. When I've come screaching to a stop, battered and broken and bleeding out of every orriface, there is no partner at my side, believing in me even in my self-destruction. When I can't crawl anymore and I need someone to carry me, I don't have a partner and none would stand with me...that's what friends are for.

I am still looking for a relationship, a partner, and I prolly won't stop until I find the one that sticks. If none sticks, fine...I'll miss what a relationship has to offer, but I would rather lose out on the affection, the support, the intimacy, than corrupt friendships by looking for intimacy where it should not be.

Here's to you guys. It would be great, but being able to talk to you is more important to me than seeing you naked.

Cheers.