Pharmacy and the X-Chromosome

So I tweaked the hell out of my back at work yesterday. Hobbled like an old man until this morning. I'm chalking it up as a "learning experience", despite the fact that this is the fifth or so time I've done this in as many years.

Took eight Tylenol in three hours, trying to alleviate the pain. (If you've read the warning label on the Tylenol bottle, you know I was flirting with death.) Despite the warning, it did nothing. Not a thing. No-thing. Not even a mild high from the grams of acetaminophen coursing through my veins. My back still hurt like someone had loosed a bonesaw betwixt my shoulderblades and I didn't even have the comfort of light-headedness to distract my nervous system.

On the upside, it inspired me to write this.

Judging from my experience, I have come to the conclusion that Tylenol was a drug invented by a man. I'm not trying to be sexist or anything, but let's face it: a man's responce to pain is "shake it off". This explains why a man's painkiller would be designed to do little more than take the edge off, leaving the man to stoicly ignore the remaining ache.

Now I'm not trying to say that a woman is in any way weaker than a man...just smarter. Why the hell would you not design a drug to eliminate as much pain as possible?! As men, we have no idea what real pain is. Take my example...

Some time ago, I used to live with a girl who was cursed with impossibly-painful cramps one week out of every month. I used to sit up with her and offer whatever comfort I could, but really, it was like bringing chicken soup to a third-degree burn victim: I couldn't do shit for her, and her pain was intense enough to scare the shit out of me. (And if you know me, loyal reader, you know that I don't scare easily.)

Back when we were dating, this person I cared deeply for (tho occasionally worried about) used Ibuprofin. I never really discussed this with her, but for me, seeing a woman take a specific brand of painkiller is enough to make me go out and buy a bottle. The logic: if you want advice on pain, talk to someone who was told as a child they could look forward to having a three-pound parasite removed through their pee-hole.

You see, I'm an absolute wuss when it comes to pain, and the idea of having to shoulder it without a word just to be manly? Piss on that happy crappy. Ibubrofin and Bayer have gotten me this far, and for anything worse, there's always Morphine.